diehardreaper | (no subject)

[ He didn't say a word, focused mostly on trying to pick himself up and set himself to rights. But he did manage to get up, albeit with a measure of difficulty before straightening up. There was a soft hiss of... what was it, pain or frustration, (he wasn't sure, really) as he ruffled his hair. ]

M'not sure I understand it meself, to be honest...

[ Another breath. ]

Meant what I said though. About how I feel for you, mind. If I'd bed you though... I'd rather it not be when I've got you in this ruddy mess.

[ Quietly. ]

Believe me.

... [ He shifted, pulling one of the sleeves back up on his shoulder. ]

I don't get it. I don't get any of this.

...Why did you have to get me into your bullshit. [ He hugged himself. ] I don't expect you to understand.

...I don't expect you to understand... how terrible this all makes me feel. [ And he lowered his head. ] ...I'm always just some stand-in... until people figure out what they want. So...

[ He looked up at him. ]

I can't believe anything you say. It's like I said. Words are cheap. And the mouth that they're coming from is filled with garbage. At this point; I don't care if you pick Yukio or not. Because if you do, I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore than I have.

...I should of stuck to what I said, for you to just go away. Instead, again, I was an idiot and let you charm me... [ And he remember what Yukio had said; that he wouldn't be surprised if Ronald had charmed half of heaven by now. Was that it? Was he just one of many? How many others felt this way? How many others had Ron said this to, and here he was on the backburner to some other guy. He reached up, rubbing at his face. ]

It doesn't matter, does it? In the end...

...You'll get someone, you selfish prick.

[ Thankfully he hadn't landed on his shoulder. But those words did hurt to hear more than any . ]

Selfish... yeah.... that's prolly about right.

[ He was selfish though, wasn't he? Thinking he could keep them both. Selfish and childish, thinking he could coast through anything with his charm. Well, this was where his charm got him.

In trouble.

In serious trouble.

But he stayed still, his gaze turned down. What was he doing here? Why was he here in the first place? But he reached up, slipping his glasses off and tucking them into his pocket. They never came off - until now. He felt comfortable enough to, after all. If there was anyone he could be vulnerable around, it was Watanuki. He reached up to rub his eyes briefly with his fingertips and rubbing them harder with the back of his hand when he found his fingers weren't enough. ]

...d'you remember when we first met? Bloody wreck before you came 'round. They'd just left. You were the only one that got me to smile that day. And I thought...

[ a breath. ]

I thought back. I'd found myself wondering what it'd have been like if Yuki was like you.

Didn't feel like I'd always have to impress someone. Didn't feel like I'd have to guess at knowing what he felt. So... I prolly was selfish then. Selfish that I'd allowed someone else in. That I bloody well liked it.

That it felt better'n anything.

[ Watanuki was quiet as he listened to him. He was staring down at the dark red sheets of his bed. It was those kinds of words that confused him. It made his heart ache, not just for him, but for Yukio as well, who seemed as if he had come to terms with how he felt... ]

[ Maybe it was the pot calling the kettle black. He was the God of Compassion, but here he was, being selfish as well. He wanted to be the one Ronald chose. He wanted to be the one he adored. ]

[ And he felt awful for it... but at the same time he was so hopeful... ]

Do you.... [ And he finally raised his head to look up at him. ] Ever wish that... I was like Okumura-san?

[ And there was a shake of his head at that. ]

Never did, sweetheart. You've a charm all your own. Yuki... he's....

[ He let out a breath, his shoulders slumping as he stuffed his hand in his pocket and turned his head up to the ceiling. ]

He's closed off. He ent honest like you. Couldn't tell if he fancied me so I danced around the notion for a moment. Then the minute I kiss him, he runs off. Sounded like a bloody rejection to me.

[ And another laugh, the same bitter one as before. ]

But then there's you. You haven't a limit to you. Weren't afraid to call me out even if I was a reaper. Then you'd snogged me under that tree and I don't bleeding care if we were bladdered off those blasted trees but you snogged me and told me off about it afterward. That ent ever happened before.

[ Again, reaching up to rub his eye. ]

Then we just kept going after that, didn't we? Least you snogged back. And got me to do it again. I hadn't a need to guess with you. It was... easier. I suppose. Could just focus on being with you rather'n trying to read the air all the ruddy time.

[ There was silence for a moment. But, Watanuki took a deep breath, before letting it out in a long, slow exhale. His mismatched eyes stared up at him. ]

Then let me make sure you know how I feel, so you don't have to guess. So it's not in the air, and we both know... so there's no mistaking.

...

I like you. [ He finally answered. He'd never said it outloud, just eluded to it with phrases and metaphors, but to come out and say it was new to him. Even when he had his crush on Himawari, he never told her. And, with Yuuko... he... ] I don't want you to have to guess about it. I like you. A lot.

...I wanted to say it that way if you ever think back on it, there's no doubt in your mind about how I feel. Even when you're doing stupid shit like this, I still care for you. Even thought you've made me cry, I still want you to hold me.

I want you to remember it. Because... because...

[ His fingers clenched the sheets. ]

I want to be the one who said it first. I'm no longer the second guy. Got it? I'm the one that confessed to you first!

[ He let out a breath, the smallest smile as he finally turned around. ]

See... s'what I like about you. Little bits like that.

[ He lightly rubbed his eyes again before approaching the bedside almost reluctantly. There was a small smile as he sat down, near the edge just in case he ended up needing to be shoved off again. He'd heard it before. General affairs, the secretarial pool... but those were easily denied. It was easy for him to tell them otherwise. But this? Well, this was different. ]

Yeah. You're the lad who's confessed to me first. Prolly nothing anyone can take away from you

[ Leaning in, kissing his forehead lightly. Almost as an apology.]

I'll never forget it, at least. M'sorry I made you cry.

...I'm sorry I pushed you off the bed. [ Was the reply, and Watanuki rested his hand on Ron's thigh. He gave it a small squeeze. ] I'm sorry I yelled at you.

...Will you...

Stay the night? You don't... have to, of course, but I just...

...I just want you to be close to me. I want you to hold me.

We're alright then, you and I? M'sorry for throwing you into this madness. C'mere then.

[ And he slipped closer, sliding his arm around his shoulder as he usually did. He was content to hold him like this, his head against the other's hair and just holding him close against him. He let out the smallest breath. Half his mess had been fixed at least... and things were sorted out. But the other half was left.

But he could deal with that later. His soul was tired. As was his heart. For now, he wanted the solace this one offered him.

He pressed a kiss to Watanuki's forehead, burrowing against his hair with a heavy sigh. ]

I'd like to stay, if it's all the same. S'long as you'll let me.

[ He shifted so he was laying close to him. He closed his eyes, resting a hand on Ron's chest. ]

...It will take more than an apology for things to be all right. [ He replied, but he buried into the blond anyway. ] For now... it will suffice.

[ He was about to say something, but it stopped at the back of his lips. He made a little face, willing it back down his throat. He let out a puff of air. ]

I don't mind if you stay. I want you to. I...

...I always want to be with you.

[ He kept that arm around him, eyes closing as he nuzzled himself closer. No matter how many times he held him, it always felt good to. The familiar scent of his hair, how his skin felt, the way his body felt pressed into him like that. It was so different.... so different but not at all unwelcome. ]

Sounds fair.

[ He'd do whatever it took for them to be alright again. Anything. If this was alright for now, the so it would be -- for now.

So he closed his eyes, burrowing his face against the other's hair. ]

I'd like to be able to stay. We've had a bit of a day, after all. Right now, m'just happy to be able to have you here.

[ Hearing that made his heart swell. He smiled against Ron's neck. ]

...I'm happy to have you here too.

[ This was what we wanted. A peaceful existence. Ron's warm body. His breath fluttering his hair. Ron's arm wrapped around him. He felt they were simple things. Was obtaining such freedom always this hard? He wondered. Maybe not in the same way... but maybe just as hard other ways. ]

[ Maybe something like this was inevitable. ]

[ He was starting to drop off. He nuzzled into Ron's neck, scooting as close to him as possible. He mumbled out. ] ...Goodnight...

[ Hearing that was enough to calm his heart. So he let out a breath, gently drawing the other against him for a brief,tight embrace before loosening his grip.

Just enough to keep them close. That's all he wanted. At least a moment's relief.

With that, he pressed a kiss to the top of his head and snuggled himself a little closer. Somehow, he could get used to this. At least the shadows couldn't watch them. ]

G'night, love...

[ He always felt full when the other called him 'love'... even if he didn't mean love love, but... still. It was fun to pretend... ]

...Will you call me that again? [ He asked sleepily. ]

[ There was a soft chuckle as he pressed another kiss to his forehead. ]

Eh? Do what exactly? Call you love?

[ And he hugged him a bit tighter. ]

Blimey you're being spoiled, ent you, love..?

...Again... [ He murmured, burying close. ]

[ Another chuckle, hugging him tighter a moment. ]

Terribly spoiled, love...

[ He smiled again. He loved hearing it. And maybe.. one day... he would know for a fact it was true. But for now... it was fine, to pretend... to lose himself and escape from reality, if only for a little while. ]

[ And as he fell asleep in Ronald's arms, he hoped his dreams would be good. ]