diehardreaper | (no subject)

[ Loves him. The word caught in his throat like hot bile. Those tears only made it worse. He held that hand in his own, tight, as if he didn't want to let go. That if he did, his world would just collapse. ]

Loves me.

[ A bitter laugh escaped him finally. ]

If he did, he should've said so rather'n running, didn't he?

[ Another laugh, his own hand shaking. Was he going mad? Gods, he hoped not. ]

See... s'what I like about you. Least you've been honest with me. I've kissed you more bloody times than I've kissed him, if you'd believe! If he was better'n you, then I wouldn't have asked you out yesterday! Wouldn't have stuck me neck out for you if you weren't of any importance!

[ But he finally calmed down, head lowered as he continued to hold that hand in his own. ]

You lost your damn arm because of him! [ He shouted back, looking up at him with a ferocity in his eyes that wasn't quelled, even with tears welling up in them. ] If that doesn't tell me how you felt about him, nothing does!

It's like a slap in the face--even if I was with you, he literally has a part of you and I'll have to be reminded everyday! You're not even whole anymore!

[ But when he spoke hose words, he instantly regretted it. A hand slowly made its way to his lips, fingers shaking. ] I--

Oh god. [ A beat. ] ...I....

I'm sorry...

[ He opened his mouth to speak but he didn't... he couldn't. That hit him like a slap in the face. His head turned down again and he found that his tongue caught in his throat. Quietly, he drew his hand away. ]

Yeah... m'not. Nothing about me's right anymore, I know. Wasn't supposed to end up like this. It'd remind you over'n over again, wouldn't it? I'd end up being a ruddy burden to you somewhere down the line.

[ And clenching his fist a moment, eyes shutting tightly. He held it tight enough to dig his nails into his own palm. He hesitated, his hand moving to clutch his left shoulder. That damn shoulder that was concrete proof that whatever happened at that school wasn't a nightmare. It hurt. Like it did when the cold set in. For some reason, he seemed even more conscious of its absence. ]

Would prolly end up hurting you even if I did decide to be with you because of it. M'hurting you right now, anyroad.

I hurt you too. [ Was the response. ] So...

Maybe... maybe I'm not good enough for you, either.

[ Shaking his head, looking up at him finally. There was a tired little smile there, even as he lightly rubbed at his eyes under his glasses. ]

You've always been good enough for me. S'what I've been trying to tell you.

[ There was a small sniffle as he leaned in, kissing the other lightly and pulling away to let out a breath. ]

...we always hurt the ones we love though, haven't you heard?

[ He gave him a startled look. ] You...

...

...Love me?

[ There was a small shrug there, even as he turned away. Not quite sure how to approach that or justify that or excuse himself. ]

Dunno if you'd believe me but...

[ And letting out a breath, finally releasing his shoulder. ]

I've just... been feeling very strongly toward you. S'why I can't stop kissing you, I'd think. Being with you, spending time with you... it felt good.

That's all.

[ ....is that what we're calling it now, kid? ]

I see.

[ He wiped at his tears with the sleeve of him kimono. ] Then...

Even after all I said... and how cruel it was...

...Would you still kiss me? Even now?

[ There was a small sigh there even as he drew himself closer. ]

...only if you'd want me to.

[ And that small smile again. ]

S'long as m'not hurting you. Then yeah. I would.

...

Will you kiss me, then? I...

I want to be able to feel... how much you care for me.

[ His hand finally moving close, gripping the other god's lightly before leaning in, murmuring. ]

M'sorry I made you cry...

[ Slipping closer, kissing him softly, eyes closing and taking his time as he leaned him against his pillows ]

[ He allowed Ron to lay him down easily, his own arms wrapping around his neck as they kissed. Already, his heart began to act up, giving a heavy pound as once again, they wound up in bed. But the feeling was different, not heated and passionate, but slow and sensual. ]

[ He deepened it gently, sliding that arm around him again to embrace him tightly. He eased the other god against him, eyes closing as he deepened it a moment. But he pulled away, shutting his eyes tightly as his only way of blinking back tears. ]

M'also sorry you've to go through this.

[ 'Sorry', he said, but even so, he didn't know how to feel. He was sorry, too... sorry for the hurtful things he had said, how he had taken it out on Ron when it was just his own insecurities... ]

When I met him... [ He let out slowly. ] ...I thought...

I thought that when you saw him again, spent time with him, that...

[ He covered his eyes with the sleeve of his kimono. ] That you wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore. And I was scared...

Course not... to be honest...

[ And he sighed as he drew his arm back. His head lowered slightly, as if he couldn't look him in the eye again. Or maybe he just had too much on his mind. ]

M'torn, really... dunno what to do. There's the two of you here and... m'feeling the same about you as I am with him. So... m'sorry about that too.

[ Just when he thought he ould calm down... ]

[ Watanuki turned his head away. He closed his eyes. ]

... [ His fingers clenched. ]

Here you are... saying you've only kissed him once... and you've kissed me so many times by now...

I was right. You just don't give up a part of your body for anyone. You have to care for them enough to risk yourself like that...

The fact that you can't even decide is what makes me hate this. It was my reason for trying to keep my distance from you... but I gave in, because I thought maybe-- maybe, maybe I found someone who cared for me more than anyone else.

But I was wrong.

[ He went quiet for a bit. ]

...Get out of my house.

[ His brow furrowed even as he stood. He knew the risk he took blurting that out but he had to. His eyes closed, a breath escaping him. ]

...we've a history him and I. Spent a good part of a year with naught but each other to keep us safe. I just...

[ And he winced, lightly clutching at his shoulder again as he lowered his head. ]

Just wanted to be honest with you. If I want to be with you then... I'd rather you know why I couldn't make a bloody decision yet.

[ Another breath. ]

Didn't want you to feel like I'd been cheating on him with you. That you were the one I want. I wanted you to know that you'd be the only one.

[ But he let his arm go finally. ]

You're helping me move on, pittance though that might mean to you.

Stop trying to guilt trip me. [ He snapped. ]

I said, get out.

You can come back when you decide if you really want to be with me or not.

I don't want to be used as someone to help you "move on".

I want it to be because you want to be with me for no other reason than that. Not to have to be the guy to wipe up the mess another man left stained on you.

So go.

M'not trying to guilt trip you. Honest.

[ Another breath, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead before taking a step back. ]

M'sorry. You're right though, you've told me. You aren't to be used and I've no intention of using you for anything.

[ Head lowered. Definitely didn't feel like he could look him in the eye. For a dead guy, he was finding it hard to breathe. This was more hell than the hell he had been through. ]

I... do want to be with you. Because you've made this feel more like home than anything ever was. S'why I was moving on. Because you made me happy for the sheer virtue of being you. Not because I'd had to impress you or anythin'.

[ A beat. ]

I haven't seen home in a while. Though... if given the chance... I'd likely not want to because I'd found another.

Shut up.

You're saying all of this, telling me that I make you happy and I make you want to stay here, that you could call this and me and every thing else your home...

You say it, but I don't believe a single word of it! Words are cheap! You can tell me the sky is green or my hair is red but just because you say it doesn't mean it's true!

Action speaks louder! So every time you flirted with me means shit, but everytime you kissed me, it felt real, it made me want to believe you, you made me feel wanted...

But now, [ And again, he was crying, those large bubbling tears that welled at his eyes and then slid down pale cheeks. ] Now I don't even know if I can believe that. Because in the end, no matter what you say to me, the fact remains that you still love him!

Edited 2016-11-23 09:47 (UTC)

You haven't a need to believe me, I know. S'all shite, what I say.

[ He couldn't stand it, couldn't stand seeing him cry like that. Despite it all, he took a step forward and knelt by the bedside. In one motion, he gathered the other god into his arm to hold him tightly again. His eyes closed, nuzzling lightly against his cheek as his hand stroked his back and encouraged him to cry.

He caused this after all.

It was surprising how calm he was at that moment. ]

If I did love him the way I did then... then with him's where I'd be the minute you told me to leave. But here I am, eh? Trying to get you to believe me. Trying me earnest not to lose you.

[ He hated this. He wanted to be angry, stay angry, teach Ron some sort of lesson that he wasn't to be dealt with, but the other's hands and soft skin and warm body and unique scent was convincing, a balm on his soul. He'd never felt like this before, save for one person, the one person who always looked after him, but... ]

[ That was then. ]

[ But here, in this new place, this scary place, where his words could affect another person so much... ah, and here now even. Had his words affected Ron, as well? Was he here because... he was scared? ]

[ Watanuki buried his face into Ronald's neck, continuing with crying as Ron's hand stroked his back. For the first time, he wished the other had his other arm, if only to hug him tighter, but as it were, he was only capable of one thing at a time. ]

I just want you to look at me...

...Only me... [ He couldn't help it. He was being selfish, he knew it... but this was the first time he had ever wanted anything so badly. Anyone. His brain was telling him this was more than just a small crush, that maybe, maybe this was... ]

[ His tears fell onto Ron's shoulder. ]

...Stay with me...

[ Were he to admit it, he was terrified. Terrified of losing the smidgen of happiness he'd found all his own. Terrified of having it wrenched from him.

He stayed by his bedside, keeping that arm tight around him as he nuzzled close; against his cheek, against his hair, pressing a light kiss against his forehead. He let out another breath, voice soft and near shaking. ]

Least I could do, sweetheart...

[ His eyes shut tighter, keeping him close as if he was desperate. There would be time to sort this out. For now, he needed this, needed to calm that ache in his chest. It hurt and it was cold all at once.

Again, another shiver as he ducked his head. But he did manage the smallest smile. At least things were looking hopeful. ]

Are you sure...? You'll let me stay a bit...?

[ He wanted to say to stay with him forever... but for now, this would do. He nodded his head. ]

Yes. [ as the quiet response. ] Lay with me. [ Another pause. ] Kiss me... over and over again.

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