diehardreaper | (no subject)

...Can I ask you something?

Yeah. Sure.

[ More worry. But he finally does look up at him. He owes him that much at least. ]

...What the fuck is wrong with you?!

I met him. I met him! He's handsome! He's smart! He's a damn doctor! And he wouldn't be like me and just... just see someone he knew was taken and yet here I am, kissing you and just being with you and--and--and...!

What's your problem?!

[ And every question stung like a barb in his heart. What was wrong with him? Why was he here? What was his problem?

He didn't know really.

But he swallowed down a lump in his throat. ]

D'you... d'you think that means anything to me? Yeah. Yeah, he's all that but...

[ With that he couldn't keep his head up any longer. It was too heavy. Instead, he reached out, taking Watanuki's hand in his own. His was cold. Shaking. Instinct made him reach for the only support he had there and then. The only thing tangible and permanent that he'd known. ]

That... honestly doesn't make you any less'n he is.

[ There was silence for a few moments as Watanuki held hands with him. But then... ]

[ On Ronald's hand, small teardrops began to dot on his skin. Watanuki's head was bent. His voice was wavering. ]

The way he spoke about you...

...He likes you, Ron-san. He loves you...

Edited 2016-11-23 06:47 (UTC)

[ Loves him. The word caught in his throat like hot bile. Those tears only made it worse. He held that hand in his own, tight, as if he didn't want to let go. That if he did, his world would just collapse. ]

Loves me.

[ A bitter laugh escaped him finally. ]

If he did, he should've said so rather'n running, didn't he?

[ Another laugh, his own hand shaking. Was he going mad? Gods, he hoped not. ]

See... s'what I like about you. Least you've been honest with me. I've kissed you more bloody times than I've kissed him, if you'd believe! If he was better'n you, then I wouldn't have asked you out yesterday! Wouldn't have stuck me neck out for you if you weren't of any importance!

[ But he finally calmed down, head lowered as he continued to hold that hand in his own. ]

You lost your damn arm because of him! [ He shouted back, looking up at him with a ferocity in his eyes that wasn't quelled, even with tears welling up in them. ] If that doesn't tell me how you felt about him, nothing does!

It's like a slap in the face--even if I was with you, he literally has a part of you and I'll have to be reminded everyday! You're not even whole anymore!

[ But when he spoke hose words, he instantly regretted it. A hand slowly made its way to his lips, fingers shaking. ] I--

Oh god. [ A beat. ] ...I....

I'm sorry...

[ He opened his mouth to speak but he didn't... he couldn't. That hit him like a slap in the face. His head turned down again and he found that his tongue caught in his throat. Quietly, he drew his hand away. ]

Yeah... m'not. Nothing about me's right anymore, I know. Wasn't supposed to end up like this. It'd remind you over'n over again, wouldn't it? I'd end up being a ruddy burden to you somewhere down the line.

[ And clenching his fist a moment, eyes shutting tightly. He held it tight enough to dig his nails into his own palm. He hesitated, his hand moving to clutch his left shoulder. That damn shoulder that was concrete proof that whatever happened at that school wasn't a nightmare. It hurt. Like it did when the cold set in. For some reason, he seemed even more conscious of its absence. ]

Would prolly end up hurting you even if I did decide to be with you because of it. M'hurting you right now, anyroad.

I hurt you too. [ Was the response. ] So...

Maybe... maybe I'm not good enough for you, either.

[ Shaking his head, looking up at him finally. There was a tired little smile there, even as he lightly rubbed at his eyes under his glasses. ]

You've always been good enough for me. S'what I've been trying to tell you.

[ There was a small sniffle as he leaned in, kissing the other lightly and pulling away to let out a breath. ]

...we always hurt the ones we love though, haven't you heard?

[ He gave him a startled look. ] You...

...

...Love me?

[ There was a small shrug there, even as he turned away. Not quite sure how to approach that or justify that or excuse himself. ]

Dunno if you'd believe me but...

[ And letting out a breath, finally releasing his shoulder. ]

I've just... been feeling very strongly toward you. S'why I can't stop kissing you, I'd think. Being with you, spending time with you... it felt good.

That's all.

[ ....is that what we're calling it now, kid? ]

I see.

[ He wiped at his tears with the sleeve of him kimono. ] Then...

Even after all I said... and how cruel it was...

...Would you still kiss me? Even now?

[ There was a small sigh there even as he drew himself closer. ]

...only if you'd want me to.

[ And that small smile again. ]

S'long as m'not hurting you. Then yeah. I would.

...

Will you kiss me, then? I...

I want to be able to feel... how much you care for me.

[ His hand finally moving close, gripping the other god's lightly before leaning in, murmuring. ]

M'sorry I made you cry...

[ Slipping closer, kissing him softly, eyes closing and taking his time as he leaned him against his pillows ]

[ He allowed Ron to lay him down easily, his own arms wrapping around his neck as they kissed. Already, his heart began to act up, giving a heavy pound as once again, they wound up in bed. But the feeling was different, not heated and passionate, but slow and sensual. ]

[ He deepened it gently, sliding that arm around him again to embrace him tightly. He eased the other god against him, eyes closing as he deepened it a moment. But he pulled away, shutting his eyes tightly as his only way of blinking back tears. ]

M'also sorry you've to go through this.

[ 'Sorry', he said, but even so, he didn't know how to feel. He was sorry, too... sorry for the hurtful things he had said, how he had taken it out on Ron when it was just his own insecurities... ]

When I met him... [ He let out slowly. ] ...I thought...

I thought that when you saw him again, spent time with him, that...

[ He covered his eyes with the sleeve of his kimono. ] That you wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore. And I was scared...

Course not... to be honest...

[ And he sighed as he drew his arm back. His head lowered slightly, as if he couldn't look him in the eye again. Or maybe he just had too much on his mind. ]

M'torn, really... dunno what to do. There's the two of you here and... m'feeling the same about you as I am with him. So... m'sorry about that too.

[ Just when he thought he ould calm down... ]

[ Watanuki turned his head away. He closed his eyes. ]

... [ His fingers clenched. ]

Here you are... saying you've only kissed him once... and you've kissed me so many times by now...

I was right. You just don't give up a part of your body for anyone. You have to care for them enough to risk yourself like that...

The fact that you can't even decide is what makes me hate this. It was my reason for trying to keep my distance from you... but I gave in, because I thought maybe-- maybe, maybe I found someone who cared for me more than anyone else.

But I was wrong.

[ He went quiet for a bit. ]

...Get out of my house.

[ His brow furrowed even as he stood. He knew the risk he took blurting that out but he had to. His eyes closed, a breath escaping him. ]

...we've a history him and I. Spent a good part of a year with naught but each other to keep us safe. I just...

[ And he winced, lightly clutching at his shoulder again as he lowered his head. ]

Just wanted to be honest with you. If I want to be with you then... I'd rather you know why I couldn't make a bloody decision yet.

[ Another breath. ]

Didn't want you to feel like I'd been cheating on him with you. That you were the one I want. I wanted you to know that you'd be the only one.

[ But he let his arm go finally. ]

You're helping me move on, pittance though that might mean to you.

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